mikevarley.com

On Feeding Your Family the American Way

It took up the back of a Betty Crocker Box, its copyright from circa ’58:

Here’s a seasonal treat the family will clamor for every even autumn. John McCain will serve 4-6 broiled, 6-10 baked and the huddled masses one town hall at a time.

Take one God-fearing, honest American, pack in uniform outfit and marinate. Inter overnight; the McCain will learn precious insight into the human soul and become textured and puffy by morning. You must then walk your McCain around the neighborhood for friends and family to admire, leaving McCain in the baking tin. It will gain confidence from their praise and its good judgment will take it far. Legs should develop in three weeks and then it’s just a matter of waiting. In the meantime, watch old home movies with your family or play a game of Chinese Checkers while you wait.

While you’re stroking your husband’s leg under the table, watching your children play Othello, McCain will be undergoing a wondrous transformation in the brick oven of Arizona. He’ll take office as a straight talker patriot in a world fed on Eastwood’s and Rambo’s. An authentic soldier, minced to a soupy collection of facts processed to easily fit beside daytime talk show gastric bypass miracles. By this point, all of McCain’s intoxicating integrity will have cooked off and you will be rewarded with the pungent, musky aroma of determination wafting in your kitchen.

Open the oven and remove the innards, as you won’t be needing them anymore. Stuff the cavity with cranberry sauce and oyster crackers and then pray Iraq stays silent. If you hear gunfire, close your eyes and hum a breezy tune. It will be ready soon now, have the children set the table.

McCain will finally rise in January after America chokes on its own defecations. He will pop out of his baking tin and thank you for your dedicated service to this country, then construct a missile defense system aimed at all Korea. Put away Othello and settle down to a meal of government issue war rations, suctioned to tin cans, garnished with flag pins. The children will think it normal soon.

[audio:http://www.mikevarley.com/old/words/MikeVarley.com On Feeding Your Family the American Way.mp3]