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On Sympathy Pay

October 5th, 2008 by admin

On Sympathy Pay

“There’s nothing out there that legally forces us to pay them,” says U.S. Capt. Johnathan Tracy, “It’s gratuitous. The point behind the policy is to build friendly relations.

Order, order….let’s begin.

Claim # 33187, civilian male, 34, accidentally shot in head during Baghdad firefight, wife seeks sympathy pay. Victim was out after posed curfew. American soldiers are not responsible for the safety of Iraqi civilians in high risk situations claim denied.

Claim # 33188, girl, age 7 loses hand to American negligence, mother seeks sympathy pay. Soldier responsible confirms story from Psych Ward in Germany, hand is non-dominent. Court finds in favor of plaintiff, compensation $350. On behalf of the U.S. Government and the American public, I’d like to extend our deepest regrets and sympathies.

Claim # 33189, three member family, husband aged 28, wife aged 22, son aged 4 killed in American and British marketplace raid. Father of husband seeks sympathy pay. Proof that American and not British bullets were responsible for the deaths is at best tacit. Claim denied.

Claim # 33190, farmer seeking payment for loss of cattle, eight hundred killed in botched bomber run. Farmer destitute, without livelihood and seeking sympathy pay. The court sees fit to compensate for half the cattle at $2 dollars a head for a payment totaling $800. On behalf of the U.S. Government and the American public, I’d like to extend our deepest regrets and sympathies.

Claim # 33191, father 44, son 20, daughter 18, daughter 8 killed at roadside checkpoint by American gun fire. Son and daughter, 18, killed instantly. Husband and daughter, 8, pronounced dead in hospital three hours later. Surviving wife and mother seeks sympathy pay. Family made civilian status known before shooting. Soldiers collaborate story. Court finds in favor of plaintiff in damages totaling $8,800. $3,500 for husband, $2,800 for son, 20, $2,500 for daughter, 18. After investigation, military officials concluded that the death of daughter, 8, was preventable and caused by hospital negligence, not American troops. Compensation is denied. On behalf of the U.S. Government and the American public, I’d like to extend our deepest regrets and sympathies.

Claim # 33192, woman, age 21, burned by American incendiary device. Plaintiff suffered second and third degree burns to neck, cheek and scalp after polyester veil melted to her face. The veil was handsomely embroidered and presented to her by her grandmother on the occasion of her wedding. The fiancée was unharmed in the accident and has since left the plaintiff. Plaintiff dreams of unborn children and awakes to fits of sobbing. Plaintiff seeks sympathy pay. Plaintiff is niece to Ugla Abid Saqr, the two of clubs on the Iraqi playing card most wanted list. The United States government refuses to negotiate with terrorists. Claim denied.

Claim # 33193 female, age 15, sexually molested by American soldier. Victim led into alleyway with fun-sized Snickers bars, forced up against dumpster and groped underneath shirt. Once the victim was sufficiently confused emotionally, soldier penetrated victim’s vagina with right middle finger, grinding up against victim until ejaculation on victim’s shirt and hair. Soldier vowed violence should victim talk, then gave her the remaining Snickers. Victim physically unhurt in exchange, father seeks sympathy pay. Sympathy pay? For what? This has nothing to do with the Foreign Claims Act. There are no injuries here, no fatalities. No loss of livestock. Claim denied.

Claim # 33194, the former empire of Assyria, aged to antiquity, has for five years witnessed the slaughter of its bloodlines for purpose undiscovered and vendettas undeserved. In the sandy dryness, grudges are well-preserved and spit is a resource reserved for exclamation and death pacts. It suffers under a grief of its own distinction, and will never seek sympathy pay save through the dividends of prideful men One Nation has driven to darkness.

There is no joy in Baghdad while occupiers walk the streets, writing off their accidents for pennies on the dollar. When money hangs in fetid air like lilac consolation, when armies pay their conscience debt in monthly installations. There is no joy in Baghdad, only forever out of reach tomorrows.

On behalf of the American public, I’d like to extend my deepest regrets and sympathies.

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