mikevarley.com

On Sarah Palin’s Wild Ride

You know, I never knew I was mainstream media. But there I was, ready to speak glowingly of Sarah Palin’s folksy triumphs and…something just…came over me. I felt imbued with the malice of a thousand Katie Couric’s, schooled in “gotcha politics” and Charlie Gibson facial tics. I had the cunning of a Gwen Ifill follow-up and the wisdom of the Sunday Times crossword.

At that point I knew I could not betray the corporate liberal dollar that feeds my seven houses and thirteen Oldsmobiles. I must kneel to its might and lie through my teeth in hopes that one day the terrorists win.

Sarah Palin is dangerously unqualified to drive a mini-van. She has teams of third-graders fact check her slanders and cheats off Ruthie Pinkus when the teacher tests state capitals. Her winks are manufactured in a Chinese auto plant; her glasses shield her face from outright stupid.

Her touted energy policy of “Drill, Baby, Drill” is such a coded message that it makes my pipeline spill. The mayor of Sitka, a town three times Wasilla, is also the neighborhood mailman, and you can fact check that.

She’s been straight talking with a suspended maverick license for over three years. Each time she signs a bill to law the lidless eye of Putin falls upon her. It’s not that she’s so Right to Life as much as Right to Judge. And every time she’s labeled folksy, somewhere, Pete Seeger cuts a cable.

How galling are her platitudes on leadership as common sense. This nation doesn’t fit inside a Farmer’s Almanac. It’s hopelessly human and ever delinquent and never would agree to be treated less than that.

Sarah Palin, I’m trying to wrap you up in nuance, but Christ what a force of will you are! You imbue simple objects of steel and puck with fervent, pulsing meaning and pursue self-fulfillment with chemical certainty. There’s nothing understated about excellence and no one separated from honesty. The only coefficient is the public’s forced perspective.

[audio:http://www.mikevarley.com/old/words/MikeVarley.comOnSarahPalinsWildRide.mp3]