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The Mike Varley Plain Dealer: The Seasick Mama Saga

September 19th, 2009 by admin

Hi all,

So the last email I told you to look forward to September 19th for an awesome story.  I present to you “We Know You Know I Know: The Seasick Mama Saga.”

This is a story eight months and countless emails in the making.  It details my travails with a Williamsburg clothing designer named Seasick Mama, who I actually sent an email to you all about back in March.  She was the one who put my artwork up on her blog and I asked you to vote for me.  Well that didn’t work out, but months later she held a contest that I entered and “won”.  Things started out fine until she started using my contest submission all over town for things I didn’t agree to and without a scrap of credit attached.  What ensued was the epic story you can now find at, in both text version and audio version.  The following is the introduction:

The story you’re about to read is no less than the most epic example of hipster ownage ever catalogued on the internet. Were there a Richter scale of hipster ownage, this story would rank somewhere between “the systematic shut down of every Salvation Army in the nation” and “having daddy’s credit card taken away.” This story is like a hand-calligraphied note signed by both TV on the Radio and Animal Collective telling you how fat you look in that American Apparel unitard. It’s just that good.

And subplots? Holy Crap, I felt like I was ironically watching Melrose Place! Which drink will he choose in the suspenseful bar scene – PBR or PBR and a shot? Will the gang think my undercut looks cool? Will I finish my quirky banner in time for the day of the big fashion show? I envy you people for not yet knowing these answers.

Now that I’ve got the attention of your sick, train-wreck-loving, ADD-addled minds, let me tell you what else this story is about: it’s about balance and limitations. The balance we crave when we feel we’ve been wronged and the human limitations of emotional response.

This story is broken into two parts. In part one, I’m thrown in the mud and come out looking transfigured. In part two I pursue righteous justice, with spectacular results and myriad regrets. I encourage you to listen to the audio version, as all my stories are written with a listening ear in mind. Please turn off all cell phones and keep your hands inside the trolley. You’re about to embark on one bizarre ride.

The story is just thee first step in repurposing “We Know You Know I Know.”  I also intend to make some sweet shirts of my own; I’ll send you all a message when they’re ready.

So grab some popcorn and turn on your speakers.  I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.


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