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On Weekend Update

March 7th, 2008 by admin

This week’s entry is in response to Tina Fay’s endorsement of Hillary Clinton on Saturday Night Live. The video can be seen here.

On Weekend Update

It takes a bitch to set the world straight, Tina Fey. A bitch to unite us under one desperately gripped banner – a coming together of self-interests, a communion of back scratchers, a conjunction of facelessness, a coalition of the vacant.

Tina Fey, experience’s pupil, bitches keep the lights on. Bitches mend borders, bitches heal sadness, bitches trump meekness, bitches salivate to the hearts of the young, bitches drink beer with stiffly cocked wrists, bitches sell car jacks on the side of the highway to the tune of a desperate dollar.
There’s a conspiracy afoot, Misses T. A sting too devious for the Zionists. It’s the anti-Zionists, a group known for their undetectable nature. Known for their unclassifiable conscious. They embrace substanceless matters, Tina. Things you can’t measure or tax or ballpark. They show no shame to the heterosexual dollar. They crave global union and they’re conspiring.

But bitches aren’t born of acceptance, Tina. Bitches wash up on cynicism’s shoals, the boat bent over to spy fish that were never there. Bitches bring gravity. Bitches wrap air in Saran Wrap and claim the problem balled. Bitches suck nickels from pay phones. They chalk the minutes of the universe. They make problems and they get those problems done.

Miss Fay, your name hints surface truths and soul spent failings. So young to be lost to the old, so smart to be caught in the cold. But that’s the matter. Smart. The slash between smart and intelligence, between heart and the common sense. You bitches are smarter than me, Tina.

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